It is again past midnight and here I sit with my MacBook. This day from which I am reluctant to depart was Halloween or Samhain, which I really, really would like to write as Sowen. (In reverse of Wednesday, where I only pronounce each syllable as I write it, I would like to write the holiday as it is pronounced.)

This Wednesday past, the Wishcasting question was, "What do you wish to shed?" I could not answer it then as shedding has been something on my mind for days.

Related, Ramit Sethi asked not too long ago, "What are the invisible scripts that guide your life?" Alternatively, what scripts do you see your friends follow, should one be unable to see their own scripts.

In the meantime, every time I go to my parents' house, I bring home at least another box or bag of Stuff. I am not sure from where my mother is unearthing these things. The other day I threw out a harvest collage that my brother did when he was eight. Saturday, I washed the plastic fruit "ice cubes" that a boss had given me back in 2000, and put them in the freezer.

Mothers, teachers, friends, rumors at school ... the invisible scripts that guide us come from such unexpected places. My mother would be horrified if she knew her casual words had caused me pain for several years before I was able to place them into context and let that script go. She would mean me no harm. All the same, I can only shake my head. I grew up hearing from all the women in my family, my mom, grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sister all these things about boys and men.

Things like -
"boys don't make passes at girls who wear glasses" (I've worn glasses since I was four.)
"boys only like skinny girls."

Both of which correlate to "if they are interested in you, then they are only after one thing." Which leads to, "they aren't going to buy the cow (oh irony!), if they get the milk for free."

Is it surprising that I thought for the longest time (I am embarrassed to admit how long) that men had no emotion except lust and of course, pride in their favorite sports team? The derision I faced, and saw, in middle school gave boys "anger," "frustration," also, "cowardice."

My first boyfriend was emotional manipulative. My second was honest, vulnerable and kind. I did not know what to do with him. I did not know what to think the first time I saw him cry (my ex was the abuse I had endured, my second boyfriend was more familiar with the receiving end of abuse than I was). That he had a range of emotions was bizarre to me, and I admit that I pushed boundaries with him in a twisted sort of fascination. My third boyfriend was abusive. My fourth was safety, back to being with someone with "normal" emotions, though he did have walls between us.

Between boyfriends, there is always dating and sometimes attempts at casual sex. It took awhile to realize that casual sex was not for me. For all the reasons that were reinforced with my female family members and friends said about men, they don't care, they don't feel, they just need a hole to relieve themselves in.

The lessons I've learned from all the guys I've dated/slept with, especially from Devin and Chris is that communication is key. So I talk a lot, I think a lot and I ask a lot of questions about what men think about this or that. I am doing my best to challenge those scripts I was raised with. I do somewhat play games because as much as I dislike them, not playing games gets me nowhere 100% of the time.

Just the other day, I was chatting with my coworker/colorist/stylist/friend about dating men and how I've been dating out of my normal box lately (read: I'm trying my sister's advice to be open to dating men shorter than I am, previously verboten). I paid for dinner on one date and split the cost on the other because I knew I wasn't going to see one again and the other I didn't think had the funds for dinner wherein I insisted on a certain appetizer and wine. My CCSF laid into me how men really expect and want to pay for things on dates. I thought that was crazy talk. In my world, I always offer to at least split the check. We're both working adults, we just shared a good time, we can share the cost. Admittedly, in my world, most guys look at me askance and politely tell me to put my money away. CCSF insists that that is how it is done.

She says that it gives them something to do to take care of us. If they ask, they pay. We are special, she says, this is how they show it, to differentiate us from the friends they split checks with. I point out that this is not what chick magazines say and she just rolls her eyes and points to the fact that those articles are written by women to make money off of other women by telling them what they want to hear. In reality, she says that men don't really want us to be 100% independent. To me, this is crazytalk that also meshes with the actions of men I've been out with, yet doesn't seem like an easy conversation to have with guys as I date them. Hm, perhaps I could send them a post-date survey? Is that too Web 2.0? ;)

So yes, shedding. I am specifically working on letting go of these invisible scripts that I've been following my whole life, while I am letting go of ridiculous things I thought worthy of putting in boxes untold years ago (hurricane glass with several layers of heart-shaped turquoise confetti on the bottom, WTF event are you from? why did I keep you?), while I am working on losing weight (a lifelong effort), while I am trying to change the self-descriptors in my head.

You know, I very specifically remember a day when I was thrilled with my athletic ability at school (every day during gym, we ran around the back field, about 1/3 mile and by the end of the year, I was about the third to finish, right behind a popular-yet-friendly athletic girl, who was shocked one day to see me at her heels) and when I shared with my mom a brilliant idea to visit the field every day during summer vacation to run a lap or two, she pointed to my brothers and dad, splayed on the couch, watching TV, and said that we didn't have athletes in our family. I sat down and it felt good to just sit and relax so I did.

I have been a voracious reader since I learned how so I have been frequently referred to as the family bookworm, yet I have always had an vicious desire in my heart to run. So I am losing weight for many reasons that I discuss elsejournal but chief among them is to gain the cardiovascular strength to run farther and farther, ultimately so that I can outrun my ADHD-scattered thoughts.

I am shedding the no-longer-apt descriptors of "bookworm" and "shy" and "quiet" and embracing the word, "athlete." I may not look like an athlete, but go ahead and train with me one day and you'll see that I am. Back when I worked at this large, local company many years ago, a group of us did a bootcamp gym class together before work. I overheard one guy say to one of our attorneys that I may be nice and polite at work but that I was a "beast" in the gym. It sounds like an awful term to be called, especially in light of my many diva ways, but it was really the best compliment I'd ever received at work. I am tenacious, competitive and eager to push my own limits; these are things that few people ever see in me.

As for this day, it is sometimes referred to as being the pagan version of a new year. Specifically, it is the end of the old year. Which is partly a grieving of who and what was lost - death and change are huge themes in the pagan calendar, partly an atonement of wrongs we've done, partly a rejoicing in the accomplishments/births/events of this year. To me, the new pagan year begins tomorrow, though some see the next several weeks until Yule as free and unjudged time to do what one pleases.

With this new year, I aim to do more good, to shed more Things I do not want or need, to shed invisible scripts that tell me lies, to shed the ideas that my family impressed upon me as a child, to shed the weight that hinders my grace/flexibility/ability to run, to shed the inaccurate words that are used to describe me. These are not wishes. They are goals I am actively working on.

What do I wish to shed? Oh, I just love the timing of the Wishcasting questions, most of the time they hit me perfectly. These days I am shedding a little of everything!