There are two great loves of my life, thus far. (There's also a guy who I know I have a past-life connection to, alas I never determined that though I lost over $800 in dating him; fools and sheltered, naive girls are both soon parted with their money. Anyway, that's not this story.)

The first is Devin, my ex-fiance. Long story short, my sole venture into polyamory failed as while Devin and I could make it work, his wife could not. We succeed at friendship after a few years for time to heal, and by keeping get-togethers few and far between. He is my steady heartbeat so this post is not as much about him.

The second is Chris, my ex-boyfriend. Long story short, he fails at communication and I fail at relishing particular things that are important to him. We are still in the painful, fumbling stage at forming a friendship. I know it will happen though, it simply must.

With each of them, we had a long, wonderful first date. Conversation was always easy, those first kisses were mind-blowing and the sexual chemistry was intense from the start.

They are both double Aries -- Devin with it as Sun and Rising, Chris with it Sun and Moon. And I, I am a Cancer Sun with a Pisces Moon and an astrological chart that is water heavy and light on fire. Which basically means that I feel ... everything, and deeply, and that I appear to have a death-wish attraction to fire signs.

With losing each of them, it was like there was this gaping hole in my chest, in my heart. This is something I wrote after the first time Chris and I broke up, I call it Love-Lies-Bleeding:

Sitting at the bagel shop, my lunch on the table before me, my head leaned back against the booth, my focus is on my heartbeat.

Because I swear to you that I can see it, I can see where my chest has been cut open, skin peeled back, sternum cracked, ribs spread apart, my heart all red and pulsing, blood dripping down my body to the floor. My heart, so sore, so achy, is still beating, sounding painfully loud in my ears. My heart wants a massage though it works just fine.

My appetite doesn't exist.

It was like that every time. Every time with Devin. Every time with Chris. There is no way to simply "get over it" when you feel the loss as such a full-body-experience. I hate living like that.

I cannot be without them, so I must have them in my life in the only role appropriate for exes, as friends. I must be able to reach out and know that they are there, whether I am reaching with texts or calls or emails or touch. Thankfully, they have both proved that they are there. This intense love, it is a two-way street.

And I have ridden it hard. I admit it, I cried on Devin's shoulder about Chris. I cried on Chris' about the guy I last fell for. They both responded as soon as they were able after a particularly scary, bad date that I had last winter that left me completely freaked out. I don't usually ask anyone for help with anything, but I don't hesitate much with them. There is some amount of comfort there, that we are both bound, Devin and I, Chris and I, and we will get each other through.

Chris and I had the shorthand version of all our relationship talks the other night - he traveled extensively during our on and off relationship and doesn't remember much of the hows and whens and whys, so I briefly rehashed everything, from how we started talking about weddings on our second date, and the third that started about 12 hours after that one ended, to our well-established pattern of his destructive behavior to our silences to his missing me and reaching out.

He thinks I am blindly in love with him. I say, "no, not blindly. I love you well-aware of your flaws."

Then he says that he will tell me exactly how he feels about me. Then that he loves me with all of his heart and soul. If only I could be who he wanted me to be, he'd give me what I really want.

I raise a brow. "A couple rings and a couple babies?"

He nods. I draw an unsteady breath. "So close, yet so far." He nods again.

On one hand, I applaud him for not settling. He's been married before, he knows what he really is seeking (tho its beyond me why he would ask me out when it was out there in my dating site profile that I am very much not into what he needs me to be into).

On the other, I could just kill him and his realism for loving me with all his heart and soul and yet be dating someone else already.

This isn't right. This is completely fucked up and against all the Disney rules I was raised with that love is not enough to make a relationship work.

Fuck love done so badly. Fuck love that doesn't fit into the right size box and doesn't talk pretty at all. Fuck this happening to me twice!

It iswas recently Wednesday. Today's Wishcasting question: What do you wish to fly free from?

it is no mere wish, it is a fervent desire to fly free of love so badly fucking done. I wish instead for love well done, made for me, my life, the life for which I am meant, a love I get to keep always.

I am over having my heart shredded because me or him, we don't quite fit into the lives we've got going on. I am over being unable to let go after way too much time has gone on. I am over the undeniable, unkillable psychic connection between my loves and my heart, knowing when they hurt, when they get laid and more!

I am so fucking over love badly done.